I told you about the Query Letter blog hop over at:
http://aliciagregoire.blogspot.com/2011/04/need-query-letter-help.html
Well, after much agonising... here is my attempt at a query letter for Dog Show Detective. I am actually sending this out soon (like this week), so I need criticism!
I'm not thin-skinned when it comes to feedback, I see my craft as something I'm constantly learning and am very open to improvement. Critiques were a life-saver during my edit stage. My query:
Dear...
I would like to introduce you to my middle-grade fiction, Dog Show Detective, in the mystery genre aimed at 9-12yr. old readers. It is complete at 30,000 words.
12yr old Kitty Walker decides to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to impress her mum. Kitty expects it to be embarrassing, Spade is not the best-behaved dog, and Jessica Jones is sure to win, but she doesn’t expect it to be so dangerous!
At the show, Kitty finds a lost dog, but, when she returns it, the owner insists it's the wrong dog. Only Kitty believes the owner and sets out to uncover the mystery of the missing dog. There are clues along the way, but why is someone trying to dognap the little terrier she found? And would they really kill just to keep the identity of the little dog hidden?
This story stands alone, however, there is the potential for the characters to go on to solve more mysteries (I’ve outlined the plots for future Kitty and Spade mysteries).
My credentials include editing editorials of publications, Brisbane Business News and Gold Coast Living, and, working for a marketing agency. I have a degree in Professional and Creative Writing and have also studied for a Marketing Diploma. I currently teach English, Spanish and Media at my local High School and am passionate about providing opportunities for children to gain literacy skills. I've been building an online presence with my blog, Twitter, Facebook (see my header for links) and have my graphic artist designing my author website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Charmaine Clancy
Writing a query letter has made me think of my favourite poem:
He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven by William Butler Yeats
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
I got a little confused how Kitty plans to impress mum if she knows it's going to be an embarrassing disaster (which is how it came across to me).
ReplyDeleteDoes her dog play a role in solving the crimes? I felt he needed a little more selling: Spade may not be the best behaved dog, but... kinda thing.
Not sure it's worth mentioning Jessica if she isn't central to the mystery. Maybe more on the possible antagonists? The threat of killing seems to come out of nowhere at the moment.
That's all I got (and all highly subjective of course). Hope something helps.
mood
Moody Writing
Thanks Moody, I'll have a look into rewording the blurb to be clearer. Jessica starts out as a protagonist but ends up being a fairly central character and of course I should show Spade a bit more (and yet, without using more words - oh query writing hell!). Maybe I can say Kitty is pressured to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show by her mum... argh!
ReplyDeleteBut thanks :)
Opps, late here in Oz, I meant Jessica starts out as an 'antagonist' *slaps forehead*
ReplyDeleteI think you can keep it short if you do something like: ...pressured to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show by her mum, Kitty expects the worst. Spade is (insert good quality that relates to story here) but he isn't the best behaved dog.
ReplyDeletebtw I think the strongest elements are wrong dog returned and that she's the only one who believes it (good Lady Vanishes type plot).
Good luck with it!
I'm no expert on query letters. I've always verbally pitched my novels at writer's conferences to agents and publishers.
ReplyDeleteSo my eyeball edit says it looks just fine. Please take note, I'm better editing others than myself. I know you visit my blog at times and sometimes my mistakes probably smack you like they do me. Well, they don't actually smack me until it's visible for the whole world to see.
'At the show, Kitty finds a lost dog, but, when she returns it, the owner insists it's the wrong dog. Only Kitty believes the owner and sets out to uncover the mystery of the missing dog.'
ReplyDeleteI struggled with this. I need it to be a little more clear.
Also when you mention, Jessica Jones, there is opportunity to bring a little of the character into this.
You know like a reaction to how she feels about Jessica being Jessica, the girl who always wins - so we get that dynamic, if it is indeed a dynamic in the story.
My experience too, never use rhetorical questions in a query. State your story as simply as possible, let us see what's at stake and who's trying to stop your goal.
She soon learns the lost dog means more when....this happens...and this happens....and Kitty must find the...to solve the mystery of the lost dog that really wasn't. Do you see where I'm going here.
Hope so 'cause it's getting a bit late.
Also perhaps beginning with something like...Kitty plans on showing her mum that 'dogs name' is not just another squished little sausage dog with a bad attitude.... So I'm getting a bit of voice through.
There you are I hope it helps and your story sounds cute. I also think it's a very good idea to mention series potential and that you've thought about that.
Good job and nice to meet you Charmaine!
Moody - thanks, I'm playing with it with some of your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteShelly - we all make mistakes on our blogs, I make them in my comments too, I promise I don't edit your blog :)
Escape - you've made some spot on observations. This was my first go, so tomorrow I'll tackle it again taking on board everyone's suggestions. This has been a great education in the dreaded query letter.
What a perfect poem for our feelings of creating and sharing our art. I'd buy the book on the spot. So, write on! Go boldly in the direction of your dreams. paraphrase of Thoreau
ReplyDeleteHi Charmaine- first let me say thanks for the feedback on my query. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI love a mystery (as you now know), and this sounds delightful. I am a big believer in the query shark, so that's what's informing my critique. Of course, there are other sources about querying out there, so do take this with a grain of salt.
Here's my 2 cents:
Jump right into the story, even if it feels abrupt.
I would compress this and move it to the end: Dog Show Detective, a middle grade mystery, is complete at 30,000 words.
[Twelve year] old Kitty Walker enters her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to impress her mum. Kitty expects it to be embarrassing, Spade is not the best-behaved dog, and Jessica Jones is sure to win, but she doesn’t expect it to be so dangerous! (a little run-on. It's tricky to set the stage quickly and concisely, and I am not saying I'm good at it :0)). What's her primary conflict? Even if she's solving a mystery, she's also probably growing/changing in some way. That's hinted at a little with the mum comment. I'd like a sense of that.
At the show, Kitty finds a lost dog, but, when she returns it, the owner insists it's the wrong dog. Only Kitty believes the owner and sets out to uncover the mystery.
{"of the missing dog" I would take this part out, because it sounds like a Nancy Drew title. I love ND, but because those are so formulaic, I think you want to distinguish yourself}. There are clues along the way,(I can see how you don't want to expose all the clues right off the bat. But, it's a mystery, so there are going to be clues along the way. Can you find a balance between this kind of phrase, and giving away all the clues? Is there a middle ground?) but why is someone trying to dognap the little terrier she found? And would they really kill just to keep the identity of the little dog hidden?
This is a stand-alone story with series potential.
My credentials include editing {editing editorials sounds redundant, even if it's accurate}Brisbane Business News and Gold Coast Living, and working for a marketing agency.
I think the writing credentials are great, but the other stuff can be greatly reduced or omitted. {I have a degree in Professional and Creative Writing and have also studied for a Marketing Diploma. I currently teach English, Spanish and Media at my local High School and am passionate about providing opportunities for children to gain literacy skills. I've been building an online presence with my blog, Twitter, Facebook (see my header for links) and have {a}graphic artist designing my author website.}
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Charmaine Clancy
Without reading the others...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the TONE of the story. WHY is Kitty trying to impress her mum--this age seems to more commonly rebel a bit, so is she trying to PROVE she is independent? Prove she's not a screw up? Is her mom sick or sad? Or is Kitty just driven? (a little Hermione-ish)
And is the book a little funny, or all earnest (her dog sounds like some potential to either be humourous to humiliating, depending on Kitty's take). I guess I'd like more feel for Kitty's personality.
And then I think you have some cases of run-on sentences, or places you could tighten that might help it flow. I think though, if you put a bit more of Kitty's voice in there, that would solve it.
I heard a recommendation at one point to (as an exercise) write it first person from your MC PoV first, then switch it (in fact I am thinking maybe I should do this.) just so it is infused with the feel of the story, not just some of the details.
I feel like I'm just repeating here as the three things that I picked up on have already been mentioned above, but I honestly don't see anything else that seems 'wrong'
ReplyDeleteI definitely need to know something about Jessica Jones - why would it be so bad if she won?
Then there's the reason why Kitty needs to impress her mum. Is Kitty normally a troublemaker and needs to do something good for a change? Or is it Spade who causes problems?
Lastly, it's just general tightening up. I think there are areas where you could rephrase things, or miss out something that seems repetitive (the phrase 'missing dog' perhaps?).
That's it really. I like the sound of the story! I'm new to this query malarkey so I won't pretend to know what I'm talking about, but that's my two cents.
Aand thank you for your comments on my query!
Oh oh oh... and I'm following. :)
It sound really good and very clean well put together.
ReplyDelete"12yr old Kitty Walker decides to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to impress her mum. Kitty expects it to be embarrassing, Spade is not the best-behaved dog, and Jessica Jones is sure to win, but she doesn’t expect it to be so dangerous!" This does not get me excited about the book. Since it is the first thing you write about the book it needs to be more of a catch, more exciting. The second paragraph about the book is more exciting maybe leave the first part out with a few details and start with the excitement. Just a thought. Good luck the book sounds fun and has potential for a series.
I would take out the first line or move it to the bottom and jump into the meat of the story.
ReplyDeleteBrandi from Blkosiner’s Book Blog
I'm not a criticing person, but I thought maybe the first paragraph shouldn't be in your query or maybe re-worded.
ReplyDeleteI do however, like the entire premise.
Hi Charmaine, am happy to give you feedback. Sweet story! Hope this is helpful to you:
ReplyDeleteDear...
I would like to introduce you I WOULD REWORK THIS, SORRY to my middle-grade fiction, Dog Show Detective ALL IN CAPS IS STANDARD, in the mystery genre aimed at 9-12yr. old readers. It is complete at 30,000 words.
12yr old Kitty Walker decides to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to impress her mum. Kitty expects it to be embarrassing, I WOULD PUT A PERIOD INSTEAD Spade is not the best-behaved dog WOULD BE FUN TO CHARACTERIZE SPADE A BIT -- NOT WELL BEHAVED IN WHAT WAY?, and Jessica Jones FRIEND? FOE? CHAMPION POODLE? BUT I WOULD TAKE HER OUT IF SHE ISN'T A FUTURE CHARACTER is sure to win, but she doesn’t expect it to be so COULD TAKE OUT 'SO' dangerous!
At the show, Kitty finds a lost dog, but, when she returns it, the owner insists it's the wrong dog INTERESTING!. Only Kitty believes the owner and sets out to uncover the mystery of the missing dog. There are clues along the way, but why is someone trying to dognap IS THIS A NEW ELEMENT? I AM A BIT CONFUSED, SORRY the little terrier she found? And would they really kill DOGS OR PEOPLE? WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS just to keep the identity of the little dog hidden?
This story stands alone, however, there is the potential for the characters WHICHEVER CHARACTERS YOU MEAN WHO ARE INTEGRAL TO THIS STORY AND FORWARD SHOULD MAYBE BE NAMED HERE to go on to solve more mysteries (I’ve outlined the plots for future Kitty and Spade mysteries).
My credentials include editing editorials of publications, Brisbane Business News and Gold Coast Living, and, working for a marketing agency LOVELY!. I have a degree in Professional and Creative Writing and have also studied for a Marketing Diploma TERRIFIC!. I currently teach English, Spanish and Media at my local High School and am passionate about providing opportunities for children to gain literacy skills EXCELLENT. I've been building an online presence with my blog, Twitter, Facebook (see my header for links) and have my graphic artist designing my author website THIS IS THE LEAST OF THEM, AND THE PARA IS GETTING A LITTLE LONG, SO I WOULD TAKE OUT THIS SENTENCE.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi Charmaine, here's how I'd edit:
ReplyDeleteDear...
I would like to introduce you to Dog Show Detective, a 30,000 word mystery novel for 9-12 yr. old readers.
12yr old Kitty Walker enters her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to show her mum that she can so follow through and work hard at something. Spade is not the best-behaved dog, and Kitty expects it to be embarrassing; besides, Jessica Jones is sure to win, but Kitty doesn’t expect it to be so dangerous!
(The "she" following Jessica Jones implies it's Jessica who doesn't expect the danger.)
When Kitty returns a lost dog to his owner, he insists it's the wrong dog. Only Kitty believes the owner, and sets out to uncover the mystery of the missing dog. Why is someone trying to dognap the little terrier? And would they really kill (kill what? kill her, a child? Kill the dog? I suggest some clarification here) just to keep the identity of the dog hidden?
This story stands alone, or as a series.
***
Trim the credentials WAY down. What they want to know is have you been published before, and if so, where? Your passion for children's literacy and teaching Spanish is wonderful and highly admirable, IMO, and I applaud you for it, but irrelevant as far as a query goes.
Thems my two cents. Good luck!
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Charmaine Clancy
Everyone has covered everything already lol so my only suggestion is to bring Spade into the query more. you said you have outlined more mysteries for Kitty and Spade, which means Spade must play a bigger part, but I didn't get that impression from the query.
ReplyDeleteGood query. I can see others have everything pretty much covered on the topic but figured I'd comment anyways. I do see where you were going with the other girl mentioned in the first part of the query. I've heard some prefer the hook to be about the conflict in the very beginning of the story, around the first 30 pages. So, that made sense to me but it didn't grab my attention as much as the missing dog mystery. You have my interest and I'd want to read some of the story at least.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much everyone for your feedback!
ReplyDeleteI've got a really good feel now for what does not work in the pitch and what there needs to be more of. I am actually happy to drop the social networking line because I didn't feel comfortable with it anyway. I know blogs are meant to be our platform as writers, but I no longer feel that this is about building an online presence. I gain so much help from the writing community and I try my best to help out others when I can. This is a community - one I am very grateful for :)
My secondary conflict in this story is Kitty trying to get her mother's attention because her mum is busy with her little brother and writing her books on dog care. Kitty's mum was the one that thought Kitty should take up dog showing because she did it as a girl. Now I'm thinking from your comments, I might scrap that and just get into the mystery conflict about the missing dog - this pops up in the first chapter anyway.
This task has been an amazing exercise and I've gained as much from your comments as I would if I attended a whole day workshop. Thanks, thanks, THANKS!
Hiya Charmaine! Here are a few comments on your query. Good luck when you start sending it out!
ReplyDeleteI would like to introduce you to my middle-grade fiction, Dog Show Detective, in the mystery genre aimed at 9-12yr. old readers. It is complete at 30,000 words. (Note: Though nowhere near a pro at query letters, I would jump into the story and put this information at the end)
12yr old Kitty Walker decides to enter her Miniature Schnauzer in a dog show to impress her mum. Kitty expects it to be embarrassing, Spade is not the best-behaved dog, and Jessica Jones is sure to win, but she doesn’t expect it to be so dangerous! (Note: Who's Jessica? Why is she sure to win? Does Kitty want to impress her mum for some reason?)
At the show, Kitty finds a lost dog, but, (no comma) when she returns it, the owner insists it's the wrong dog. Only Kitty believes the owner (do you need 'only?') and sets out to uncover the mystery of the missing dog. There are clues along the way, but why is someone trying to dognap the little terrier she found? (Rhetorical questions are often frowned upon, but again, I'm no expert. That's just feedback I've received before) And would they really kill just to keep the identity of the little dog hidden? (Kill? You said dangerous earlier, but kill?! Wow. I missed something huge! :) )
This story stands alone, however, there is the potential for the characters to go on to solve more mysteries (I’ve outlined the plots for future Kitty and Spade mysteries). (Note: Not sure if you want to mention sequels. Again, advice I've heard in the past)
My credentials include editing editorials of publications, Brisbane Business News and Gold Coast Living, and, working for a marketing agency. I have a degree in Professional and Creative Writing and have also studied for a Marketing Diploma. I currently teach English, Spanish and Media at my local High School and am passionate about providing opportunities for children to gain literacy skills. I've been building an online presence with my blog, Twitter, Facebook (see my header for links) and have my graphic artist designing my author website. (Cut out the 'passionate about' bit and maybe the last paragraph, but I'm so jealous of your credentials!)
Thank you for your time and consideration
I hope these comments help. The concept sounds really cute. :)
Thanks for sharing!
Marie at the Cheetah
I do agree with others about keeping it a bit shorter. 30,000 is a *tad* short for middle grade, but it is still in the realm of word count (I know from reading some agent blogs that they prefer 35,000 and up). Also, I've always been partial to having the word count and title down at the bottom. Some agents like it up top though. I know...so not helpful!
ReplyDeleteI don't like the 'I'd like to introduce you...' line at the beginning. I think word count, genre etc should go after you've pitched the book.
ReplyDeleteThe story seems a little unclear to me. I'm not sure if the book is about her trying to impress her mother by doing well at the dog show, or if it's about a mysterious dog-napper. It is possible to be both, but you need a line linking the two elements or it sounds like the two are separate from one another.
Also, unless supporting characters are integral to the story, don't mention them. Too many names can be confusing.
But it looks like a fun book.
This is a great query! The only slight critique I have is that I'm unclear about your mc's reasons for entering a dog show. Seems an odd and somewhat farfetched way to impress her mum (I'm sure it is explained in the novel, but in the query it stands out a bit)
ReplyDeleteHi there! Great blog. I agree with most of the others' comments. I think it can be shortened. Just focus on the main ideas, which I'm getting as: she finds a dog, wants to find its owner, but someone is trying to hurt the dog. Is that right?? I got a bit confused as to whether the dog she found is actually missing. I think it was the wording of that second. It almost seemed like there were two dogs.
ReplyDeleteSorry if this was absolutely no help. lol I write MG as well, and the story sounds like a good piece. Best of luck with it.
I'm pretty late to the query party (sorry), but finally here.
ReplyDelete- I'd move the first sentence to the end and leave it at "Dog Show Detective, a middle grade mystery, is complete at 30,000 words."
- I got lost on how the missed dog fits in and how this becomes murder. (You drop the kill so casually, you almost miss it.)
- I'd remove or tighten up the sentence about it being stand alone but with potential.
- Pare down your credentials to only what applies to your book. Like "I have a degree in Professional and Creative Writing from STATE WHERE and been an editor for Brisbane Business News and Gold Coast Living."
I agree with promoting it as a stand alone. I tried your way with my current memoir; bad decision, it turned out.
ReplyDeleteI'd tighten the credentials to just a few lines, same as the comment above.
Focus mostly on the "page-turning" elements of the story.
It does indeed sound like a good one. I wish you much luck!
Ann Carbine Best, Long Journey Home
hi there! new follower here. we must be on the same wavelength as i posted some query letter tips in my blog as well.
ReplyDeletenutschell
www.thewritingnut.com
This is so cool to read and see all the help you have received. It is a credit to the writing community!!
ReplyDelete